(no subject)

[vaccination]

The sun hasn't been up for an hour before the daylight sees Ellie pounding her fist on Joel and Tess' door. She knows it'll only be Tess in. She saw Jesse speaking to Tommy and Joel by the stables. They'll be out for hours, and Ellie imagines this conversation will only take minutes.

When the door doesn't immediately open, Ellie knocks louder and calls up towards the upstairs windows.

"Tess! Tess, get up!"

She doesn't give a fuck if it sounds like something's wrong because something is wrong. She's known it since they returned to Jackson. It's been eating at her, always in the back of her mind, and that last outing with Joel has lit a fire. She hasn't been sleeping. Last night, she couldn't manage more than a few minutes at a time before the conversation would replay in her mind, over and over and over.

Not so much the words, but the look in his eyes as he said them.

She's always been able to tell when Joel is lying to her even before she realized it.

Comments

[dog_eat_dog]

Tess is halfway out the shower when she hears thundering on the door, and she's shrugging herself into a t-shirt and sweats when Ellie starts hollering under the windows. She takes her time, t-shirt clinging to her still-damp skin. Things have been tense lately, and she's not immediately sure if it's an emergency or not –– surely if it was, Ellie would just use her damn house key.

But even if it's not an emergency, it's certainly not usual. So she makes her way down the stairs at a brisk pace, the steps creaking the whole way down. Joel's supposed to be redoing them soon, something about extra screws in the understructure, but their list of home reno projects is years long. She doesn't fuss about the order of them as long as she gets to keep her supervisory role.

She opens the door and immediately stands back to let Ellie in.

"Alright, alright, come in before you wake the neighbour's baby," she says, jerking her head in the direction of said neighbour's house. "Where's the fire?"

[vaccination]

Ellie has the decency to make sure she's several steps into the house before turning around, voice raised. She knows better than to approach Tess like this, asking for a fight, but her emotions are vibrating in her chest. She can't not raise her voice.

"You're gonna tell me right now. Everything. What happened at the Firefly lab, and what Joel is keeping from me. And don't try to bullshit me, Tess. I know you know."

Belatedly, she thinks that Tommy probably knows, too. But Tess was with them. Tess was in that car when she woke up, still in a hospital gown, and Joel lied.

[dog_eat_dog]

Tess closes the door and locks it. This close, she can feel the fury practically radiating off Ellie's skin, and she barely gets her mouth open to comment on it before Ellie is unloading on her.

Teenagers.

"Do not yell at me," she replies, curtly, ignoring the dread pooling in her stomach. She knew this was coming someday, but she always imagined Joel would head her off on it, deal with it. Tess waves Ellie in deeper, herding her towards the kitchen. "Sit down. What do you mean? The hospital?"

[vaccination]

Ellie looks ready to protest, but settles for stomping right into the dining room and sitting down at the table.

"He's been lying to me for years. I know it. He said they ran their tests and it wasn't gonna work, but--"

He knew what it meant to her. Why not let the doctors explain to her, so she could understand?

Her voice catches in her throat, and she clears it, breathing heavily.

"Tess. What did he do?"

[dog_eat_dog]

Tess moves around the kitchen. It's not that she doesn't have a good pokerface –– it's gotten better, actually, with a couple years of living quaintly under her belt –– but she also knows it's not her story to tell. There's no puttering around that'll draw the conversation out long enough for Joel to get back, though. He probably won't be home until dinner, and that feels like an eternity away.

"Both of us have a long and complicated history with the Fireflies, Ellie, and we've put them behind us," Tess replies, curtly, as she pulls a pan out of the cupboard. "In a perfect world, you being there would have been a good thing, but it wasn't. It wasn't going to work. I think we're all unhappy about that."

She sets about making Ellie some breakfast. She's so fucking skinny, and that bothers Tess; things got so lean in Boston that any kid should take advantage of Jackson's relative prosperity. Eggs, Tess thinks. They got some fresh ones from the fellow up the street.

[vaccination]

"Yeah? Well, I haven't put them behind me. I want to fucking talk about it, and he won't!" She hits the side of her fist onto the wooden table. "He's scared. I can see it."

As good as she is at reading him, she can't see the specifics. But she knows what he's capable of, and where her imagination leads her makes her insides twist up.

"Did he kill them all? The doctors?"

But why would he ever do that?

[dog_eat_dog]

Tess leans against the countertop. A lifetime ago, she might have had some sort of trick up her sleeve, some way to finesse a deal-gone-awry into something more in her favour. She knows Ellie's onto it, though. The kid's smart. Emotionally attuned. Anything Tess could say would only feel like an obvious diversion, and Tess has to see this as some sort of hail mary, a last chance at getting information before running off and doing something stupid.

Last thing she wants to do is cut the kid's last tether to reason loose, especially if Joel's already lost his thread with her.

She purses her lips for a moment.

"What's the end goal here, Ellie?" Tess asks. "Why do you feel like he's done wrong by you?"

[vaccination]

She doesn't know what the end goal is. The truth? She already knows she won't like it. Joel has been nothing but good to her. A father in all the ways that matter most. He makes sure she's well fed, safe. He tries to connect where he can, learning about space and watching her stupid shows and browsing her comic books. He keeps every sketch she gives him, and even asks for more.

But ever since that day, that promise before they came here, something hasn't felt right. It was easy to ignore for a long time. Not anymore.

Ellie pinches the bridge of her nose, pressure building between her eyes.

"Just... just answer the question, Tess."

[dog_eat_dog]

“He didn’t kill them all,” Tess replies, pointed. She knows that. There’s no way they were the only ones in that building. Someone survived, no doubt. That was probably a mistake.

Tess shakes her head.

“He owes you the truth. Alright? I agree with you. He’s being a coward. But it’s not my truth to tell, either, and you shouldn’t hear it from me.”

the best au but still dark

[vaccination]

It's a shitshow of a night and Ellie doesn't know if she'll ever be able to rid herself of the images seared into the backs of her eyelids. Even now, days returned back to Jackson, she can't sleep. Can't eat. All she can think about is rushing into that room, seeing Joel, the blood. Her own beating and what followed is a blur. As gunshots were fired and people screamed, all Ellie could do was beg Joel to get up. He couldn't.

Joel's had a hard fight. His leg's been removed and his head's taken a brutal bashing and the most experienced doctor they have can't tell them if he'll be entirely there, when (if?) he wakes up.

Ellie sits in the town's clinic, in the room they've made for Joel, staying beside his bed and watching the steady rise and fall of his chest. It's worse than that one winter, where she sewed up him and thought she'd lose him. This time, she really might because this is so much worse and even if he lives he'll never be the same, but she hasn't talked to the doctor today because at one point someone forced her to go home and sleep. All she did was stare at the ceiling. Vomit, at one point. Cry. Then, once she fixed herself up in the mirror, bruises and all, she resumed her post.

She reaches out to take one of the big bear paws resting on the bed, wishing with all her might that he'd stir. Give some sort of sign.

"C'mon," she murmurs. "You've gotta wake up."

[dog_eat_dog]

The past twenty-four hours have been, in a nutshell, horrible.

Tess has slept, if you can call a fitful three hours in an upright chair "sleep." The rest has been spent pacing; with Ellie keeping vigil, she's been up with Tommy, scouring the countryside for anyone left of the little gang responsible for the aforementioned horror. She's exhausted, underfed, and operating solely on spite, but every year has at least a day or two like that. Back in Boston, sometimes it was once a month.

What they don't usually include is her partner, dying or maybe worse.

When she gets back in, she goes right to the doctor and speaks with him. Vital signs level. Head trauma is never pleasant, but keeping him sedated will manage his pain, and give them more time to assess the damage. A concussion is guaranteed. The skull may be cracked, but it's hard to tell until the swelling goes down. No convulsions or seizures, a good sign. Pupils still the same size.

Absolute best case scenario, four weeks for his head, eight weeks for his leg, a year or more of rehabilitation and learning to use it again. Fortunately, a woman a couple streets over was a PT twenty-five years ago. Unfortunately, Joel may not even make it that far.

Long used to the prospect of losing him to a headshot or a bite, Tess is not sure how to think about that kind of long-term. The simple answer is to not worry about it, at least for now. Save the feelings for later.

When she finishes up with the doctor, she heads to Joel's little room. She unslings her rifle and props it by the door, and then shucks off her winter coat to drape it over a spare chair. She gives Ellie a very tired but very concerned look.

"Ellie," Tess says, "you slept at all, sweetheart?"

[vaccination]

As much as Ellie would like to be out there, hunting down whoever else might be out there, she can't. She can't leave Joel alone. If he died and she wasn't there--there's no coming back from that. So, she stays, and she promises herself that no matter what, no matter what the hell he's done, this is where she'll be. She hope he knows she's here. She's not angry and she doesn't hate him and she was going to invite him over to watch movies and she wanted that to be the road to getting back to how they were.

To be robbed of that is a knife in the gut, and it twists every time she thinks about it.

She looks up when Tess enters and lies.

"Yeah." And then back to the truth. "Dina sat with him."

[dog_eat_dog]

Their eyes meet and Tess doesn't believe she's slept for a fucking heartbeat, but she lets it go. No sense in being hypocritical.

"Good," she says, and she approaches the bed. She bends over Joel briefly to put a ghost of a kiss to his forehead, stopping an inch short of actually touching him. When she withdraws back to her chair, she puts a hand to Ellie's shoulder briefly, firmly.

"You talk to the Doc yet?"

[vaccination]

"Not yet. Did you?" She asks, looking from Tess to Joel. She hardly takes her eyes off him, afraid he might stop breathing or might try to wake up and she won't notice it right away.

[dog_eat_dog]

She sits down and every muscle in her entire body sags into complacency. She's gripped by a great involuntary yawn.

"Just did," she replies. "We're going to keep him under for a few days to bring the swelling down, then see if we can better assess... but so far, no warning signs of it getting worse."

[vaccination]

"What if he... can't walk? Or take care of himself anymore?" For fuck's sake, his bedroom is upstairs. Even without brain damage things would have to change.

"Anything could be messed up with his brain."

[dog_eat_dog]

"I know," Tess replies, and she bends to unlace her boots. "But he'll walk with crutches. It's going to take him a while to get used to it, and we'll probably have to move his room down to the main level... that or move houses, find a nice bungalow."

She has had a number of hours to think about this, but that's Tess. Planning, and always adapting that plan.

[funguy]

He takes his time waking up. Things feel far away, sort of floaty and stomach-churning like they do after a steady bottle of whiskey on an empty stomach – just on the right side of blitzed, just on the wrong side of woozy. In fact, the only thing that seems to be anchoring Joel to the bed is the warm stone of weight in his hand. He turns his head. Waits for the blur to subside.

By the mercy of Jackson’s fine doctors, nothing hurts. No memories of pain, either, not with the chemical haze making him struggle to make sense of what was right in front of him. A hand in his, attached to a familiar enough forearm. Tattooed ferns and moths springing out of burn tissue… not quite like he remembered, but it was hard to focus. Ellie’s hand in his. He tries to squeeze, and maybe flexes his fingers a little.

“When’d you get it finished?” At least, it’s what he means to say. There’s no country twang rising through that almost-coherent slur, but Joel feels like he’s forming the words through a mouthful of cotton with a tongue made of sandpaper.

[vaccination]

As much as she tells herself she'll sit there, keep watch, let Tess go take care of whatever business needs to be seen to... she does doze off. She can't sleep or eat and it catches up to her. She's in some restless in-between, eyes shut and half off of the chair she's perched on, but she's jolted awake by a voice that isn't the doctor's and isn't Tess'.

Holy shit. He's awake. He can speak even if it's a mess of sounds and that's more than she thought she'd ever get.

"Joel," she breathes out, grasping his hand so tightly she doesn't register that it might hurt him. He's on enough pain meds. "Oh my god--"

She's sat here, thinking about what she wants to say to him, all the things she thought she might never get the chance to, and now she can't find the words because all the emotion is balled in her throat and she's torn between trying to breathe and trying not to cry. She needs to get Tess, needs to get someone, but the shock of him opening his eyes is almost as deep as witnessing the attack that nearly shut them forever.

[funguy]

It’s not so bad, being gripped like that. It holds him close to earth when he feels like he might start rising up again. Ellie’d just have to hold on and he’d carry her all the way to the moon, Joel thinks sort of madly, and for a second he struggles for some way to share that joke with her because it’s great, he’s hilarious, she’d love it –

But the thoughts become indistinct as dust motes, and when he blinks they’re gone.

It’s just Ellie again. She’s very close – all crazy, wide-eyed. Still holding onto him like she’s ready to haul him up over a cliff through sheer willpower. “Kiddo.” That’s a croak that comes out more like a word. He squints, tries again. “Ellie, what –” happened, maybe. What the fuck wasn’t unlikely, either.

[vaccination]

She feels crazy. Just that one word, kiddo, and the tears are streaming down her face freely. No sobs, no gasps for air, just weeping.

And then it hits her: he doesn't know about his leg. He's so doped up he can't feel the damage done to him. Ellie has no idea how to explain that, or if she even should. Tommy had visited in the morning and tried to cheer her up, saying he's now easily the more handsome brother, and Ellie didn't laugh because his face was at least still there. Joel wouldn't care about a few more scars.

His leg? His leg was fucking gone.

"It's--it's gonna be okay," she finally manages, because if he's alive and awake there's at least a chance for that much. She stares at him. Why does she feel as helpless as she did when those fuckers had her pinned down and went at him with a golf club? Panic begins to rise in her chest, and before it can grip her lungs entirely, she calls over her shoulder.

"Tess! Tess, get in here!"

[dog_eat_dog]

Tess is doing dishes. Not something she generally enjoys, but it's something to keep her mind off the reaper looming over her partner, and it's something to do to show gratitude for the doctor and his family, seeing as they've all been so accommodating in the wake of this nightmare. She thinks she might have worn several grooves in their old hardwood floors, pacing back and forth, night after night.

She's working out a particularly stubborn spot of dried food crud when she hears Ellie. For an instant she looks down the dark hall, letting the urgency of a get in here pick at her worst fears, and she lets the plate drop back into the dishwater. She walks down the hall, drying her hands on a tea towel. She walks briskly. takes a deep breath as she meets the door.

Opens it and drops the tea towel.

"Joel," she says, just off her breath. Thank fuck. Thank fuck he's pulled through.

She rounds the bed so she's on his other side. For an instant she worries he might break under the slightest pressure, so her hand ghosts over his hair, where she might like to brush his messy, matted hair back, and then actually settles on his shoulder. Bracing.

"Easy," she warns, but it's as much for Ellie as it is for him. "Easy –– Joel, don't push it. You're pretty doped up."

[funguy]

“I’m fine,” he counters instantly, not taking into account how he feels, what’s going on, where he is. These are all questions that he has, and that he cannot answer, but there’s no panic, no pain. He repeats himself sort of indignantly. “I’m alright.”

It’s weird that everyone else is panicking, though. He doesn’t know what to make of it at all, but Tess’ hand adds to the weight bringing him back, and Joel shifts a little under them both. The effort is tremendous – he feels good, weird, awful in sweeps that are more confusing than the flutter of activity going on around him.

Tess smells like soap, and the scent cuts through the nausea so he turns toward her instead of Ellie. He needs a rock right now, and Ellie’s fearful little holler is still rattling around in his brain. She looks so scared, and he doesn’t really know what to do about it. Tess usually did.

“Hey,” he says to Tess, for lack of better inspiration. Blinks blearily at her, sagging a little against the unfamiliar pillows.

[vaccination]

He might be the second most fine person in the room, Tess being the first. Ellie doesn't let go of Joel's hand, but she stares at Tess, desperate for her to know exactly what to do. It has to be good that he can be stubborn and insist he's fine. It has to mean that his stubbornness will get him through no longer having two legs.

Her free hand wipes her face, then just settles over her mouth in case the sobs do want to bubble up. All she can do is watch Tess and follow her lead. She feels like every emotion there is is all caught up in her throat, and if she opens her mouth, it'll all pour out.

[dog_eat_dog]

Is it strange to be relieved at the pushback, the refusal to just take the order laying down? Tess rolls her eyes a little, but it's not without some great swell of fondness, some appreciation for the miracle. He's not dead. He's even well enough to resist her fussing.

"Hey," she repeats, softer.

Because she wants to keep herself together, she doesn't look at Ellie. For at least an instant, it has to be her and her partner. She thumbs at the collar of his shirt, then lets her palm settle on the side of his neck, feeling out the thump-thump of his pulse. She just knows she's about to rip something out from under him.

"Listen. Do you know where you are? Do you remember what happened?"